Forcing It

It’s quiet. A subtle presence has returned and everything that seemed unclear before now makes perfect sense. It’s Fall. Trees self destruct, shedding their leaves without worry just like I shed the disappointments of my past. I love this time of year.

I can never quite explain why I love Fall so much but how I feel emotionally during this season has a lot to do with it. Despite the fact that everything outside is dying, I feel new. It’s like a fresh start where what is truly important in my life is made obviously clear. This is all on top of the fact that it’s the unofficial kickoff to the holiday season, the coziest time of year, and the perfect time to buy new clothes.

This season has been interesting thus far. It’s my first Fall out of school and the lack of structured guidance has left me unstable. This is the first time in my life where the next step is not laid out for me and it’s… weird. Sometimes I look back on my time in school and wish I still had the same confidence and sense of direction without all the headaches that come along with getting a degree.

I know I’ve been acting like I have it all figured out with wanting to put out music and everything but I actually do not know exactly what I want to be yet. I love music and I’m going to continue to lean on it for support but I’m not forcing anything into a career anymore. To be honest, what turns me off from most of the projects I’ve endeavored in is social media. I go to promote my work and I hit a wall. Maybe I don’t know how to do it or maybe I start too early but for the most part it’s an incredibly toxic place for me and it absorbs all my attention when I’m actively using it. I feel like it keeps me from the present moment and I stay wrapped up in a game of likes and validation instead of invested in finding my craft. It’s not natural. Not only do I spend more time glued to my phone, I also start thinking way too far ahead and worry about my influence instead of what’s going on in front of me (like having my cat half-sit on my chest with his ass in my face while I’m trying to type this πŸ˜‚).

Anyway, I know that social media is an important (sometimes even, a required) promotion tool which is why I always come back to it when I’m starting a new project but it’s not for me on a personal level. At this point, I feel like honoring this preference is more important than following the pack and competing in a worldwide popularity contest just to find some success. I have this beautiful and incredible life in front of me that I want to enjoy in the moment and keep to myself. When I post about it, I feel false. It doesn’t feel like my life. It feels like something I’ve put up for auction. It never quite captures the cozy desolateness of a bonfire on a crisp Fall night or the beauty of stars in a clear sky. It doesn’t make me feel delectably small in an expansive universe or truly express the magnificence of being alive. It just magnifies the striving and emphasizes a highlight reel. It’s so outwardly focused and quite frankly, it gives me a headache. Maybe it would work for me if there were no likes or view count? I don’t know.

Clearly there is something I haven’t been able to take away from using social media that everyone else finds so entertaining and fulfilling. Or maybe they feel this way too but have the skills to keep it in check. Whatever it is, I’m not going to force myself into it anymore. I want to be present because that’s where I’m at my happiest and most successful. I’m tired of endless scrolling and comparisons. If that means I have to remove myself from social media, so be it.

I want to give the best to the people around me. They deserve it.

What are your thoughts on social media ? Let me know in the comments below.

xoxo

S

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